Tuesday, 18 September 2012

To be...

Being a Mum is so hard sometimes. I lose patience too quickly. Become angry too much. I lose focus from the big picture that is a beautiful, delicate soul. A tender tiny life that is barely even budding. I have so many expectations on myself of who I should be able to be. Me being that, depends on my daughters behaving a certain way, needing or not needing different things. And sometimes, it is just too unfair to expect this of them in order to satisfy my own selfish gain. I always remember. Sometimes it's too late. Sometimes it's not. Tell you what, our kids are so forgiving.

It feels like a never-ending circle. Of the same mistakes. It's easy to get down on myself about what an inadequate mother I am. I want to focus on the positives more. And not be so hard on myself. Because that's when I turn hard on my kids.

When I step back and think, I'm not sure even what I want my life to look like, so I'm not sure why I'm so unsatisfied. I am so fortunate and I want to embrace remembering that. Everyday mothering is monotonous, all-consuming, sometimes lonely, tiring. But I want to focus on the part of it that is two tiny lives learning to be. Learning to love and discover. I don't want to forget to watch that. They are so precious, and if I'm not careful they'll be gone.


Saturday, 11 August 2012

Thursday, 12 July 2012

silhouettes on a rainy day

Inspired by this today.

I just love the sharp, dainty silhouette of a tree. I am so often refreshed by its frosty, cold bareness. I was reminded today that I am very thankful to winter for this picture. I was sitting in the library watching my daughter stack books in a pile (as you do when 'book'ing), and the naked trees outside caught my eye. Making me feel even happier than I already was.

I really am so inspired by silhouettes. Of most things, but especially nature.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Being Mummy!

Hello friends...I'm still alive yes. And totally immersed in Mummyhood! I have two most precious daughters who are sensitive, emotional souls. My two year old, a generous, thoughtful, mostly shy and sometimes stubborn little curly girl. My baby babe, a hungry, sucking bundle of squirms, smiles and growing teeth.

Sometimes I long for the life of creating. To have time, and personal space. I struggle, feeling out of control and like I am getting nowhere. Sometimes the feeling is short-lived, sometimes it lasts for weeks. But it always ends when I am somehow reminded of the worth of the job I am doing right now. I am so very blessed to be watching these little ones grow, to be a part of their lives. I don't want to miss it, and I want to be here when they need me.

I spend a fair bit more time than I used to jibbing the Internet and spying on Facebook, when I'm feeding, or lying with my babe at night etc. I've noticed how, interestingly, sometimes investigating all the wonderful creativity that's going on around me can make me feel sad and frustrated that I don't have the time to be a part of it. I find myself struggling to be content in my mothering role. I want to be creating tiny art works and meeting new friends at markets and shops and supporting handmade and, of course the list goes on! I feel mad at myself for being so caught up in keeping on top of the 'house', for doing everything else first....

Though I think there is room for improvement in wanting to 'keep up' instead of creating, I am so grateful for the last little while where I've realised, it's ok that I can't do it all, and my priority right now is to my little ones. I feel so happy that I can be love and nurture to them. The rest can wait. And I hope it will.

I do create 'bits' when I get a chance, and in our new house I have a beautiful huge space to overflow in! Here are a few bad photos
of my latest creations. Thanks for checking back here still! I'm going to try and write more. xx