It's quite exciting, and also hard work, growing a person. I have been incredibly tired, and also nauseous a lot of the time. I am used to being tired, but this is like nothing before - it's like my body takes over, does what it wants and I can't argue. If I do, I pay for it for weeks...I sleep a lot, and I lie in bed trying to sleep a lot too. I am also rather emotional, especially when I'm tired, I get down, and feel I've failed...but friends remind me of the wonder of what is happening inside me, and it does encourage me.
The creation of human life is incomprehensible. It blows me away. An actual person is being 'built' inside of me. I can provide it with nutrients and energy, a place to rest and grow, but apart from that, I do nothing, and it is so intricately, delicately, uniquely formed. The wonder of conception, and formation - who can fathom it?! It really does make me see every life as such a miracle. When I stop and think about all this, I am more than amazed, in awe, of what is happening inside of me.
I am ultra good at being harsh on myself, expecting that I will be everything to everyone, and do everything I dream to do, all at once. I have been on a journey for as long as I can remember, trying to learn how to be realistic, and satisfied with what I can and cannot do. And this new life that has come, and is still coming, into our family, has been another huge part of my learning in this way. I can only be who, physically and emotionally I can be. I feel like my head, and my heart, explodes with many people I want to be a friend to, things I want to create, even chores that I want to do, and I constantly feel let down by myself for not being able to achieve all these things. And especially now, when I have half as much energy, and therefore capabilities as before, I am forced to realise more than ever, that I can only be what I am. I guess I am searching for satisfaction in this. I mean, I like who I am, I like what I stand for, and dream of, the kind of person I am and aspire to be. But I am not satisfied with the things that I achieve in a day, or seemingly lack to achieve I guess. I would love to believe I am doing the best I can do, and be happy with that.
It is a good journey, and I love to learn and grow, I'm grateful for every second, and excited for the day when my heart can find sweet peace in the truth of what I know in my head. It's good for me to be physically forced to ponder these things, and implement change in my thinking habits about myself.
Here's our little munchkin, still on the inside, but growing stronger (and bigger!) every day...xx