To be...

Being a Mum is so hard sometimes. I lose patience too quickly. Become angry too much. I lose focus from the big picture that is a beautiful, delicate soul. A tender tiny life that is barely even budding. I have so many expectations on myself of who I should be able to be. Me being that, depends on my daughters behaving a certain way, needing or not needing different things. And sometimes, it is just too unfair to expect this of them in order to satisfy my own selfish gain. I always remember. Sometimes it's too late. Sometimes it's not. Tell you what, our kids are so forgiving.

It feels like a never-ending circle. Of the same mistakes. It's easy to get down on myself about what an inadequate mother I am. I want to focus on the positives more. And not be so hard on myself. Because that's when I turn hard on my kids.

When I step back and think, I'm not sure even what I want my life to look like, so I'm not sure why I'm so unsatisfied. I am so fortunate and I want to embrace remembering that. Everyday mothering is monotonous, all-consuming, sometimes lonely, tiring. But I want to focus on the part of it that is two tiny lives learning to be. Learning to love and discover. I don't want to forget to watch that. They are so precious, and if I'm not careful they'll be gone.



xx

xx

silhouettes on a rainy day

Inspired by this today.

I just love the sharp, dainty silhouette of a tree. I am so often refreshed by its frosty, cold bareness. I was reminded today that I am very thankful to winter for this picture. I was sitting in the library watching my daughter stack books in a pile (as you do when 'book'ing), and the naked trees outside caught my eye. Making me feel even happier than I already was.

I really am so inspired by silhouettes. Of most things, but especially nature.

Being Mummy!

Hello friends...I'm still alive yes. And totally immersed in Mummyhood! I have two most precious daughters who are sensitive, emotional souls. My two year old, a generous, thoughtful, mostly shy and sometimes stubborn little curly girl. My baby babe, a hungry, sucking bundle of squirms, smiles and growing teeth.

Sometimes I long for the life of creating. To have time, and personal space. I struggle, feeling out of control and like I am getting nowhere. Sometimes the feeling is short-lived, sometimes it lasts for weeks. But it always ends when I am somehow reminded of the worth of the job I am doing right now. I am so very blessed to be watching these little ones grow, to be a part of their lives. I don't want to miss it, and I want to be here when they need me.

I spend a fair bit more time than I used to jibbing the Internet and spying on Facebook, when I'm feeding, or lying with my babe at night etc. I've noticed how, interestingly, sometimes investigating all the wonderful creativity that's going on around me can make me feel sad and frustrated that I don't have the time to be a part of it. I find myself struggling to be content in my mothering role. I want to be creating tiny art works and meeting new friends at markets and shops and supporting handmade and, of course the list goes on! I feel mad at myself for being so caught up in keeping on top of the 'house', for doing everything else first....

Though I think there is room for improvement in wanting to 'keep up' instead of creating, I am so grateful for the last little while where I've realised, it's ok that I can't do it all, and my priority right now is to my little ones. I feel so happy that I can be love and nurture to them. The rest can wait. And I hope it will.

I do create 'bits' when I get a chance, and in our new house I have a beautiful huge space to overflow in! Here are a few bad photos
of my latest creations. Thanks for checking back here still! I'm going to try and write more. xx

...a few things I've been working on lately...

I've so been enjoying wandering through art books, finding peoples faces and making them 'mini'.



I'm also (still!) enjoying buttons..and the fact I have figured out how to make these necklaces reversible, so each side brings a new picture - two in one!


An old pillowcase...


And I've been experimenting with earrings...



All of these (except for the beautiful green lady who has already been sold) are available for purchase through my Etsy Store (see link on the right). Alternatively, you can contact me directly to order something custom..or pay in Aussie dollars..

The risk I don't have to take

My new beginning, has begun! I have finished work and now entered the realm of 'motherhood'. Exciting, and scary, and altogether very new! I find the impending change to be quite a surreal feeling, so much expectation, hope, anticipation. We met our good friends brand new baby boy yesterday, he is so beautiful. Tiny and fragile, and full of life! It made me excited to meet the little life in me. It's so hard to comprehend that this little fish that I feel trying to escape from my tummy, comes into the world as such an amazing little human being..it's just the indescribable miracle of life..amazing!

I am very grateful for the care I have available to me during this time. I don't take forgranted the fact that I have almost full confidence that both baby and I will be totally safe, whatever happens from now on in, help is right there for me, and we will be okay. I think everyday about women overseas who die from the simplest of complications. Babies who die. Families going through such horrific trauma, caused often only by a lack of resources and knowledge. Creating life is risky for them, I have no idea what that feels like..

New Life...

Yes, it's true..I have a baby growing inside me! It's quite big already and is approximately 26 weeks old..well, I am 26 weeks pregnant. But either way, it seems to be happy in there and is becoming quite good at gymnastics. It's such a strange sensation, a little fellow grooving around in my belly, it's really great, and sometimes startling enough to give me a little fright.

It's quite exciting, and also hard work, growing a person. I have been incredibly tired, and also nauseous a lot of the time. I am used to being tired, but this is like nothing before - it's like my body takes over, does what it wants and I can't argue. If I do, I pay for it for weeks...I sleep a lot, and I lie in bed trying to sleep a lot too. I am also rather emotional, especially when I'm tired, I get down, and feel I've failed...but friends remind me of the wonder of what is happening inside me, and it does encourage me.

The creation of human life is incomprehensible. It blows me away. An actual person is being 'built' inside of me. I can provide it with nutrients and energy, a place to rest and grow, but apart from that, I do nothing, and it is so intricately, delicately, uniquely formed. The wonder of conception, and formation - who can fathom it?! It really does make me see every life as such a miracle. When I stop and think about all this, I am more than amazed, in awe, of what is happening inside of me.

I am ultra good at being harsh on myself, expecting that I will be everything to everyone, and do everything I dream to do, all at once. I have been on a journey for as long as I can remember, trying to learn how to be realistic, and satisfied with what I can and cannot do. And this new life that has come, and is still coming, into our family, has been another huge part of my learning in this way. I can only be who, physically and emotionally I can be. I feel like my head, and my heart, explodes with many people I want to be a friend to, things I want to create, even chores that I want to do, and I constantly feel let down by myself for not being able to achieve all these things. And especially now, when I have half as much energy, and therefore capabilities as before, I am forced to realise more than ever, that I can only be what I am. I guess I am searching for satisfaction in this. I mean, I like who I am, I like what I stand for, and dream of, the kind of person I am and aspire to be. But I am not satisfied with the things that I achieve in a day, or seemingly lack to achieve I guess. I would love to believe I am doing the best I can do, and be happy with that.

It is a good journey, and I love to learn and grow, I'm grateful for every second, and excited for the day when my heart can find sweet peace in the truth of what I know in my head. It's good for me to be physically forced to ponder these things, and implement change in my thinking habits about myself.

Here's our little munchkin, still on the inside, but growing stronger (and bigger!) every day...xx